The end , which was the beginning

It was 3am which was the middle of my night shift as a nurse. I had to call my patients' husband at home because the end was near for her. I made that call and shortly after ,he came in walking with his cane and in such a rush that he forgot to put his teeth in. As a nurse remembering this account should be about these lovely people , but it is not about them at all. It is about me . She needed her medication which I dutifully gave her , but he needed a cup of tea and a listening ear. What was wrong with me I wondered . I could not bring myself to offer comfort , not at all. I struggled the rest of the night doing only the essentials but knowing that deep within myself something was terribly wrong with Kim. I had nothing left to give. The well was dry . Very dry. I was scared.I had never felt like this before, or rather never acknowledged that I felt like this before.It was brewing for awhile but being the self-sufficient type I couldn't really see it. I was feeling it, but doing a great job of ignoring it. I had three little ones at home needing lots of attention . I had a bank account screaming for more dollars, and not enough hours in a day. Beyond that, my Mom who was a stay at home Mom was my role model for who I should be, only I was working full-time and shift work as well. Homemade cookies , entertaining friends, sewing dresses for my little girl, making food from scratch the good Mennonite way and the list of expectations I had for myself went on. I knew that my children and my husband deserved better as did my patients. I was at the end!The questions were ,How did I get here?, Where do I go from here?How do I begin to understand this terrible state of being?The answer started with a caring Head nurse(when we used to still have such a thing). I told her how I felt and she lovingly told me many (including her)have been in this place before and that I would indeed get better. She offered me a couple of weeks off work , no questions asked. This was the beginning . I then called my Mom who came to my house and basically loved me up and reminded me that I am not in this life alone . It was like someone had thrown a rope to me,and the deep hole I was in had a light shining from the top of it and there were many people who could help I just needed to grab the rope. Day by day I felt stronger again . More alive and like myself . Then as I stood in my living room the sun shone brighlty in my window and I had an experience like nothing familiar to me. I was reminded of the poem"footprints" , which I thought was a lovely poem, but wasn't sure why it was so important now. Then it was as if I heard  (Not audibly) but in my spirit, God talking to me. He told me that he wanted to take me on a journey to see myself. He needed to show me things about myself that I needed to change and that it could be painful and difficult but not to worry because He would be carrying me.

My healing was not overnight but  it was miraculous in my eyes.  Everyday it felt like I was waking up more and more and experiencing life the way I was intended to.In the end ,I found the beginning,and I learned the value of letting go and yeilding my spirit to the giver of life.