Posted November 9, 2008, by
kimI know that tomorrow morning I will feel different and will have shifted my thoughts from work to my family and today's troubles and frustrations will seem like nothing. So part of me thinks forget about sharing and get a good night's sleep and dismiss it. Another part of me thinks that maybe to express it now is more important and more real whereas by morning I've allowed my mind to minimize it all and distance myself far enough to be safe . Safe from what I wonder? Safe from admitting that I witnessed today utter sadness over and over again. Patients and family members crying out for answers and reasons as to why they or their loved ones have to suffer this dreaded disease. I have to watch them try to cope as best they can some appearing to do a better job than others.Who am I to judge that though? I sense their pain and try to offer support as I am able but there just seems to be no time to do it right. If I take the time I feel guilty that I am not doing one of the other 5 things I should be doing.The job I know so well offers me many years of experience and somehow the answers I have though I know they are right medically speaking , start to seem cliche like one size fits all. I think that is my problem because I know each person is an individual and each family member has a unique relationship with their loved one that is theirs and theirs alone.They have a history and carry with them so many emotions. Emotions of all kinds.I somehow feel that my best just isn't good enough not today anyway.I know I can't fix it but today I wished that I could wiggle my nose like Samantha on Bewitched and make it better.I guess I am no different than my patients I bet they feel the same way.Tonight I will pray for each one of my patients and offer them up to God.They will be safe in his hands and I will know that He knows better than anyone that one size doesn't fit all, and maybe he can wiggle his nose for them.
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Thanks for the reply as it challenges me to take a step back to view the big picture.It is more about the state of my heart than the words I speak or the tasks that I accomplish within a certain span of time.The moment I take my focus off the big picture it all gets a little blurry and unbalanced.It always feels good to be guided gently back to the place I know is best.
When drLove says "I think [nursing] is the most undervalued job on the planet", that goes double in America where I live. I've done a bit of my own research on the brain and personality. In that research, one line of studies that interested me showed that a positive, optimistic frame of mind generated a greater immune response to a vaccine challenge. That optimistic frame of mind is greatly aided by the sense that we are loved. Hence, loving nurses, and nurses who recognize it in others (e.g. the Robert.Harold story), are truly the prime health givers.
As well, reading your story reminded me of why I went into naturopathic medicine in the first place. While not every disease and illness is preventable, I believe that 90% of all diseases and illnesses are. So in the end, health/wellness/illness is not only in God's hands, but also in our own. Other than a clearly genetically aquired disease, I have yet to see a patient where I have thought - gee, that just could not have been prevented. That's why I believe it is so important to care for ourselves, and to teach others to care for themselves from the get go. So that the kind of suffering you witnessed the night you wrote your story has 90% chance of not occuring at all. That this particular family and their loved one could have experience joy together instead of tears. That's why I went into naturopathic medicine. Having said that, I still pray for patients where change is an impossibility for them and prevention as long come and gone.
Reading your story brought back many, many memories of when I worked as a nurse. I did so for 10 years. I think it is the most undervalued job on the planet. At times like the ones you described, I find praying probably the most beneficial - for the patient and the healthcare worker. I think the intent to love is more important than the words we utter - be it cliches or quick statements because of lack of time.