True Closure

This is a truly extraordinary day for me, and it will turn out to be so for my loved ones as well, in particular for my wife cathy. Where to begin?

Here's the short version: After I wrote the blog Closure to which this is a reply, the strangest thing happened. I suddenly started feeling like it was 1998 all over again, and I was missing my ex-wfe. This feeling was like a fever or a 24-hour flu.

The next morning (yesterday), upon awaking, I immediately knew that the fever had broken. I was experiencing a mere flashback from youth. This feeling on Monday about by ex-wife had nothing to do with the present or future.

So I sat down and wrote a long letter to my ex-wfe saying, basically: "Sorry for being such a shitty husband, don't worry I won't be bugging you, thanks for everything you did for me, glad you've landed in a good place, I'm happy where I am, I'll always like you, my door is always open." (Of course, me being me, I took 2,726 words to say the same thing. Poor Jen.)

Then I forwarded that letter to my sister drLove and dear friend spudcan, as well as to my wife. We all had energized conversations about it last night and early this morning.

Sometime this morning, following these discussions, a feeling of euphoria crept in on me. By the time my wife left for the day with our daugher, I put on some random music -- Greek, Spanish, Dave Mathews, etc.

It didn't matter what music it was. While the music played, cascading tingles surged throughout my body. It did so for a couple of hours at least. I couldn't sit down and write code. I had to get up and dance.

These tingles felt like a rainshower hitting a desert that hadn't seen rain in decades. I can't put this exquisite feeling into words.

My mental state was beyond gratitude. It was all the way over to penitence. I knew with a certainty this morning that I am sinner, and have been so all my life. I have much reparations to pay. And payment must begin immediately.

Here is what I now believe is true closure: The tingles are merely a herald of the coming closure -- not the actual closure itself.

The actual closure is an epiphany. It's a radical new way of seeing things. A moral imperative that appears in front of you like a huge billboard. You wonder how the hell you never saw it before, it's so obvious.

Last year when I talked about closure over my basketball career and my mom's death, this moral imperative arose only for the former circumstance, not the latter. That is, following the tingles about my basketball career, it became obvious to me that we former players need to hold a players-only reunion of those teams.  We've never done that. It's an obvious thing to do.

No analogous moral imperative appeared to me in association with the tingles I felt over the funeral and my mom's death. After today, what this absence means to me is that I'm not yet done with that one.

What moral imperative appeared to me today in relation to my ex-wife's visit?

This morning, before my wife left the house, I asked her something that I had never asked her before. In fact, over my entire 45 years, I don't remember ever asking this question of anyone -- not of my ex-wife, nor my mom, nor any friends, nor any employers. No one.

Here is the question: "What would you like me to do today?"

I realize this may sound strange to you. Surely, you ask this simple question of other people all the time. Me? Never in my life until this morning -- at least that I can remember.

In the blog post to which this is a reply, I concluded, concerning my ex-wife:

The books are in order. All bills have been paid. All receivables collected. And the account is now closed.

I feel differently today. Today I feel that I am so far in debt to my ex-wife, I can never repay her. I'm glad she landed well in her new life.

With my present wife, I am eight years in debt, and running. I have a lot of ground to make up. So what I can do is to start serving my wife.

Why? Two obvious reasons. First, we have a toddler daugher. Over the past 3 years, If you asked me what is my top priority in life, I would have answered: my daughter's development.

Yet to this point of her life, over 95% of my daughter's waking hours have been spent under the supervision of my wife. My wife is the primary caretaker.

To this point, my participation in the rearing of my daughter has been relatively minimal. Rather than wait for hell to freeze over for me to figure out how I can help, I'll just follow the orders of my wife from now on. I'll have many suggestions to offer. But my wife will decide.

The second reason is theoretical. That is, since at least 2003, my beliefs and theories have been feminist. Back then I wrote the following essay: The Fourth Turning predicts People vs. Corporations. Scroll down to the subsection in that essay enetiled "Which Major Ideas from the Sixties Stuck?".

In that subsection, I explain the mitrochondrial theory of feminism. That theory says: "[L]ife itself is female. We men are only along for the ride."

I have believed this theory since at least 2003. But until this morning, I had no idea what how that lofty theory would touch the ground of my life. This morning, with the 12-year-old mud cleared from my eyes concerning my long-suffering ex-wife, the meaning of this became obvious. I am here to serve my wife -- at leat as long as we are raising our children.

This is a very strange notion for someone who has never served anyone but himself all his life. I'll keep you posted on how it all goes. I'm eager, but I can't say I expect to be very good at this, at least, in the early going. ...